«-(¯`·´¯)-­­«« ...?

Fuck this, fuck you.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

It feels like everything I do, I'm doing it wrong.

i'm sick of this shit.

So. I've been busy. It was homecoming week this past week. :) And the extended essay is finally done and turned in, so I'm no longer at risk of being kicked out of the IB program despite the amount of bullshit I put into it. The rundown of this past week:

Monday: EE turn in day. Got to skip a whole day of school after the turn-in ceremony, go read books to kindergarten-ers (mine was a little boy named Jaleel and he zoned out on me, lol, so I sketched a drawing of him and wrote his name fancily) and then go to the local park and play frisbee, football, twister, volleyball, tennis, and hardcore parkour, breathe in 5 balloons worth of helium, eat the yummiest subs ever and have as many cookies as I wanted, and see of all my IB friends at the same time. <3.

Tuesday: The Homecoming dress-up day was Tackyday, so I dressed up and was called cute (and amazingly Asian? idk) by 1/4 of my class. Yes. I liked that a lot. :) Although my history teacher called me a bag-lady. XD

Wednesday: I saw Number 3. ^_^ Long time no see~<3.

Thursday: Nothing really? I got the swine flu vaccine though?

Friday: Homecoming carnival. I got to skip all of my classes because I had to help set up the carnival grounds for the other clubs, hang up the senior class banner, and get everything ready. I didn't get to play at the carnival with my friends because I was working for different clubs every shift, but that's okay. People seemed to have fun.
Also, the pep rally. Everyone seemed excited because we had a dance competition and there's this awesome Korean sophomore who pops and locks like Taemin, only she might be taller and less talented, BUT THAT'S OKAY? XD NOT EVERYONE CAN BE AS AWESOME AS TAEM. <3. I got to sit with all of my friends for the first time since I joined SGA. :)
Also went to the Homecoming football game. Had fun, slapped a friend in the face, but that's okay, he forgave me and everyone knows I'm a tsundere anyway. I got yelled at by the SGA president and Homecoming Court coordinator, but the latter apologized and my friends were really nice to me about it.

Saturday: SATs. =_= Passed in a blur. But then I had the Homecoming Dance! I ate dinner with friends beforehand, got called cute, actually tried dancing, but left an hour early so I could meet up with my sister and our friends because she was having her 21st birthday party! We got her drunk. XD She sobered up quickly though, and didn't have a hangover.
I saw Po-wei too and we cuddled and smiled and joked a lot like usual. I actually had fun and I miss that a lot. <3. Yay friendship~! I got to see everyone too, and that made me soooo happy. :3

Sunday: Homecoming dance clean-up. Ugh, such a mess, horrible. Got home, started working on my 1200 word English paper and 20 minute long Theory of Knowledge presentation that were both due tomorrow, only to be told that SCHOOL HAS BEEN CANCELED BECAUSE OF A HURRICANE. THAT'S RIGHT, WE HAVE HURRICANE DAYS HERE. XD That means I'm getting a 5 day weekend because I won't be back in school til Thursday. Yes.

Now I can reply to Zunni's Project Watermelon post! <3. Yay~<3.
This is a good time.

I knew that being able to spend time with him was too good to be true.

I'm not shopping tomorrow for my sister's present with Po-wei.
He canceled on me.

I figured something like this would happen, but that doesn't make me feel any less sad.
I've started crying again, because I wanted to talk to him honestly, face to face.

Looks like that's not going to happen.

I can't help but feel more and more disappointed everytime I talk to him.

When will this be over?
I'm tired.

I'm supposed to meet with Po-wei this Saturday so we can buy my sister's birthday present, but we haven't talked since the convo that resulted in so much frustration. :\
I was supposed to cancel it actually, because my mom had agreed to let me buy my sister the boots she needed, so I wouldn't have needed him to drive me.
But I do really want to talk things over.

(And I want to be able to tell him the truth about how I feel about everything falling apart without hiding behind "lol" or "jk", even if I can't control myself. I don't want to censor myself when I'm talking to him, we're supposed to be friends.)


I'm sorry for being mopey all the time.
I have nowhere else to rant, and I can't let everything build up.
I'm crying in school too often now, and I'd rather that stop.

I tired of how distant I've gotten with them, with him.

I'm sick of losing my friends because we're all growing up and apart.
Life goes on, I know, but it's pretty painful at the moment too, isn't it?

I don't like that when I go out with them, I'm not having fun.
I don't like that when I don't see them, I'm forgotten completely.
I don't like that when I go out with them, it's like I'm not there.

I don't like that he says "We're trying, we're trying" but it doesn't feel like it at all.
It's like I'm being told lies, I don't want to be the chain that holds them to the past.
I know growing up means doing different things, but..

It hurts a lot.

I'm so tired of having to wait for our friendship to heal itself, when neither of us have done anything wrong.

I don't like it that you tell me "Why don't you just tell me the truth" and when I do, you say "Stop making me feel bad".
Because I'm not trying to do that.
I'm really not, even though my heart makes me want to tell you "I HATE YOU, QUIT LEAVING ME BEHIND, DON'T BE LIKE THEM, DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND AGAIN. IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU" just so that I can screw you over because my heart is hurting so much because I seem to mean nothing anymore besides just being the little sister still in high school, tagging along to trips and hang-outs. (and getting left out even and forgotten and put aside and ignored and in the corner falling deeper and deeper into these feelings everytime I go see you)

I put "lol" at the end of my words because I don't want to hurt you anymore.
I'm still lying to you.
Don't assume I've told you everything, when you're telling me it makes you feel bad.


It's like I'm dealing with a boyfriend on the verge of a break-up, but I'm not.
It's a friendship I've valued for so long, breaking down so easily.
It feels like it's so much worse.

I'm starting to like the taste of my tears, they come so often now.



You're not there for me when I need you, and you don't ask for me at all.
(Can't you at least check up on me? I'm lucky I've seen you at all since school started.)
When we meet, it feels so superficial.

"How are you?"
"School is hard."
"Oh, okay. Jia you."

nononoNoNoNoNONONOFUCKINGNO, what happened?

There's nothing I can do to tell you how I feel.
If I try to tell you, it hurts me too.
Why can't I just let this friendship go like I've let the other ones?

Each time it hurts, but when it's happening, it feels like I could just die.
I love you guys so much, but I hate everything.
I feel alone, how does my sister feel when you leave her alone everyday?
If I feel like the tag-a-long, how the hell do you think she feels?


It's like "Fuck it" now.
I've said it over and over, but you can't hear me.
"I'm tired."

I'm so tired.

I'm not dead yet, just very close to it.
Hopefully, I can get back to fanfics by the time winterbreak comes, because I don't see my workload lightening up at all.

Tired. :\

Miss being on LJ. :\
I miss being in the fandom so much.

Ugh, so many things to do. :\

Senior year is crappp~. Sen10rs indeed. -.-;

I keep getting harrassed at school about Senior badges, but honestly, what am I supposed to do if the others don't give me an estimate of how much money I need to get from the school to pay for 'em? Gosh, and then people are bitching at me about it. Last year's class didn't get their badges until JANUARY. It's still the third week of a 37-week school year. People can chill.

There's SGA drama too. It's mostly around how self-centered the new executive president is, but with all of this gossip and drama, I feel like SGA's turned me into a bad person. I remember a time I would never think to talk about someone behind their back, but now I'm criticizing people like this. :\ I don't like this side of me.

The classes are horrible this year. Because I've had a crap English teacher for the past two years, my new one isn't making any progress with the class. And she's surprised we know next to nothing about poetry. :\ Spanish, SGA, and History are cool, I guess. I really like History this year because I've had this teacher before and he's so sarcastic. Theory of Knowledge is killing me because the teacher speaks in MONOTONE and I'm dozing off all the time. Chem isn't going so great either, and Calculus is probably my worst class. We're already done with Chapter 1 and I don't get limits still. I don't understand anything, I can't read the teacher's handwriting, and I'm too self-conscious to ask questions. >.<;

And there's a test tomorrow. So yeah. I think I'm gonna fail it.

I wish I was back to having my summer classes. Yeah, they were stressful, but I did so well, I learnt so much and it went really well in a short period of time.

One good thing has happened to me though. <3.

Number Three~<3 <3 <3~.
Honestly, I've been upset that I haven't been able to see him AT ALL since school started since he's a sophomore and I'm a senior and he's in the normal classes and ESOL and I'm in IB. I don't have any classes upstairs and that's where the ESOL classes are. So :( I've been depressed about it.

But today was a half-day basically for me since I got to come to school late while the underclassmen had state exam simulations, lol. The whole schedule was wonky and I ended my day with 2nd period, and as I was leaving, I finally got to see Number Three! <3

He still looks pretty much the same. :) And he remembered me even though we don't really talk! ^____^ He waved~.

Too bad I was on the phone calling my dad to pick me up. ;_; I wish I could have spoken to him, like "How was your summer? You remember me?" and maybe get some contact info. ;_;

But I'll take what I can.




I still have to check for Stephumma and Rainbowromance8 unni's story. ;__; Sadly I haven't gotten to it.
I've been keeping up with kpop, but it's hard, y'know?
It's hard to keep up with everyone, but I'm on facebook if you wanna talk.
(Oh, and happily, I've talked to everyone who used to be in my FB circle at least once this summer. I'm happy. :D)
Just wanted to let you guys know I'm not dead yet.

Athough "I feel like dying~♪"

I have 1000+ words finished for my 3500 word essay that's due in... 41 hours.

....

Two days sounds much better. XD

It's good though, I think. Because those 1000+ words (okay, probably less. I'm counting my chapter titles in this too, and they're long as hell, which ironically is my subject) are only my intro and the first paragraph of my second chapter. Which I will BS, having never finished reading past the first twenty pages of a bible in my life.

That means 2500-ish more words, which must be distributed between three body sections and one conclusion. If I go wordy and make the conclusion 300-500 words, I'll only need 750-ish words at most for each of the body paragraphs. ^_^

Typing this out in technical terms calms me down immensely.

One more final, then I'm done. :)

But then I have 2 1/2 weeks to research and write a 3600-4000 paper on religion, that I was given the whole summer to do, but couldn't find the time to.

*dead*

Nevermind that at least 5 of those days will be spent MIA because of my uncle's wedding, a goodbye party to my only oppa, and a dentist appointment. And I have two 200+ page books to read.

Yes. I'm screwed.

Title: Untitled
Author: Avirjin
Fandom: SHINee
Genre: Gen? Friendship, fluff?
Pairing: slight OnKey, past!Jongho, BFF!OT3!JongKeyHo
Rating: PG
Length: Drabble, 833 words
Summary: High School!AU, Girl!Minho/Minjung; An excerpt from a longer work I'm doing right now, in which Minho is a girl. Yes. This is driving me crazy, because I'm not sure how to work it really, and this is the only part I'm really satisfied yet. It was to focus on the JongKeyHo dynamic that I'm trying to develop. And I needed to get it off my chest.


( it's no longer the Golden Trio if one of them runs off with a boy for real this time )

I'm tired.
Don't wanna study for my tests tomorrow. :\
What can I do though..

Fourth of July wasn't fun.
Not surprised though, because it never really is.

Company is still here. They're nice kids, but I feel a little sick when the 13-year-old tries to cuddle with me.
They're really open, and they're not bad or anything. But still. I don't even know.

It's the time of year when I just feel really empty I guess? I don't know. I wish I could get on more and actually write stuff, but I can't.
I still have my extended essay to do. God, I'm so tired.

My 2nd anniversary on LJ is coming up.
I wish I could be on more so I could talk to everyone who I'm still in contact with.

I want to write so much. That much hasn't changed.
What I'm writing about has, but not the fact that I'm still writing. :)
It's just so hard to find the right words, to find the motivation to continue. It really is, I can't even explain it, but I know a lot of people feel that way.

Haven't gotten on in a while because my family has company staying over. -.-;
It's four kids and two adults.
The 13 year old boy keeps hitting on me.
Make him stop. ;___;

Dual enrollment classes are scary. The teachers talk so quickly, I dunno how I'm going to be able to keep up.
Still haven't started my 4000 word extended essay yet. ;___;
Still haven't started summer reading yet either.
Why. D:

And Onew. ;____; I hope he really is all better.

I keep trying to write but it turns out all wrong.
I know from experience that the minute I start outlining and planning, I lose interest or get intimidated.
But freewriting isn't giving me any good results.
I'm worried, not because I haven't written anything in ages, but because this is exactly how it was right before I fell out of the Super Junior fandom (or at least writing for Suju) and I don't want to do this to SHINee, not when I still have so many ideas I want to write out.
Not when the fandom is still growing and there's goodfic out there that I want to add my own to.
I know my writing isn't that great, but I'm eager to improve.
I have a lot to learn and practice, but I want to write so badly, I'm going absolutely crazy.

( Argh. Problems that I can spot. )

Argh, my writing skills. -.-; I feel like I should just give up, but I don't want to because I love writing so much.

Wednesday will probably be my last day of work, because next Thursday is my first day of class. :\
Great. More school. Hopefully I get inspired during that time.

And I miss Number Three. He probably forgot all about me by now.

I'd be lying if I said I was satisfied with how today turned out.
I was happy to talk with Nunni and play zOMG with her, as well as to reconnect with Vunni.

But the rl stuff just... :\
( Grumpy mood time. :\ )
I was really grumpy today, and I regret it. But today wasn't fun for me, and I just... didn't have the willpower to pretend that it was.
Even seeing the others.. it was more of a let-down than anything.
I did have some fun, but the time I felt miserable outweighed it so much.

MMORPG!SHINee is not going very smoothly. I'm still trying to decide whether to make Onew a priest or an archer and whether to make Minho an archer or a mage. Reasoning:

Onew:

• Priest Onew: requires healing, intelligence, wisdom, etc. All of the brilliant, passive stuff. I mean, Dubu doesn't seem the type to go.. charging at people. It's kinda weak, but still. I can't see Onew seriously fighting MMORPG mobs and monsters.
• Archer Onew: if Key is gonna be a mage, then there doesn't really need to be a priest, does there? ._. Good for long-range back-up and doesn't necessarily have to be strong in either offense or defense.

Minho:

• Archer Minho: a cool, charismatic sight... Acts as long-range back-up. Needs good accuracy (which Dubu would fail at) and... hm..?
• Mage Minho: Fire-based attacks fit his name. Could be the one to lure monster mobs for the group. Long-range back-up.

So yeah. It would help if I was familiar with more MMORPGs, seeing as I've only played Maple Story (which was ages ago) and zOMG which, while cute, doesn't exactly match the usual idea of MMORPG. :\


Work is going okay I guess. :\ I wish I wasn't always so tired though.
It's not really the reason I've been missing though. I've just been lazy and playing the Playfish games on Facebook. And stalking OMNTD. .__.;;
Ah, I need to eat. It's almost midnight. >.>;

Well, I'm feeling a lot better than last week--specifically because school's over. XD;
I'm just very slow on checking anything on LJ. Seriously, I've gone on Facebook every day this week, but not LJ. XD;;;

My exams went well. I think. I won't be getting that A in precal, but oh well. I tried.

I have a volunteer job now at this store run by old religious people. It's a church's store, actually, which is ironic because I'm probably one of the least religious people I know. XD; Plus, all that Super Junior/SHINee/Big Bang smut I read. XD;;; Hehehe, um. Yeah, they'll never be hearing about me reading about gay guys over there~. They keep "blessing" me. I feel bad. XD; Like, I'm going to a special level of hell just for even daring to work in such a place.

They almost made me join them in their daily prayer thing too. Seeing as I never pray. Uhm. Awkwaaaaaard~.

Let's see~. Hm. I went to my neighbor's graduation on Friday and then Po-wei's cousin's graduation as well. Both were a lot better than my school's, as expected. Yu-chieh's graduation even had fireworks!!! D8 It was crazy, but they had this weird issue because the people over there are mostly white and mostly Christian and they wanted to pray. During the ceremony. Which is illegal because it could pressure and offend students like Yu-chieh who weren't white, conservative, and Christian (not that she even cared, lol).

Anyway, that Saturday, I hung out over at my sister's friend Wing's house where we (read: they) cooked lunch and we all played Camp together. Awesome game, btw. We're all so paranoid, lol.




I've been trying to rework two of my fics. One in which 2Min and a MMORPG are involved and my old Anyband!verse idea of looking at things through Jin Bora's perspective.

The first is hard because I can't do much but have chatting session in order to get my point across, but it looks really bad when I do have it like that. Like I'm not trying hard enough. I think I'm going to focus on SHINee being in the MMORG and have them acting out through their avatars just so that I can characterize and animate them and their movements better, rather than having
So yeah. There's that. But then I would have to get into the mindset of a MMORPG as well as the classes and job choices and team positions. :\ I know there are things like swordsman, priest, mage, archer, and thief, so I guess those can be the jobs SHINee have, but then there are races and who has what jobs and maybe this isn't sucha good idea after all. XD;

The second is hard too, even though I had an outline all made out as well as calculations of ages and everything. I want to keep it in 2nd person like I had planned, because it would help whoever read it connect better with Bora and her issues, but. It's so hard. I haven't written from a girl's POV in ages, let alone het. XD; Like, I want to show a descent into madness, but I can't show the intensity properly. I can't show how scared and lonely and lost and alone she would have felt in my version of Anyband!verse, and then there's actually putting the revolution into words, which as I told Zunni before, isn't easy. :\ Anyband made it look EASY, but guh. It's not.

I was happy to see Number 3 yesterday--should I start using his name? I won't see him again until August anyway (if I'm lucky)--and I had enough courage to wish him a good summer. (Although he asked me if I knew Vietnamese since his English probably isn't as good and it would have been easier to speak in it, but the fact remains that I can't and I felt a little embarrassed.) His smile isn't as pretty as his face, but that's okay I guess. I wish I had enough courage to ask for a screenname so that I could keep on talking.. I'm better at writing out words rather than saying them. Unfortunately, I probably won't get to see him again at school today unless I'm really really lucky. The truth is that his last class will be in the same hallway as mine, but I can never catch up to him, and he'll probably be with friends.

Speaking of friends... I'm going to miss mine. I've been in a bad mood with them all for the past few weeks because the stress is really building up (my jokes got meaner and I've been more aggressive--I hate it but I can't stop it because it keeps rolling, rolling out and I just don't have to willpower to anymore).

After tomorrow... I'll have one more year left as a high schooler. I'll be a rising senior, I'll have to think about college and growing up and an actual career and living outside of insignificant crushes and teenaged boybands.

It's a lie to say I'm not scared. I'm terrified, I'm pissing-in-my-pants scared.

Sometimes, I wish I could go to college away from here. Not because I hate it--my whole life is here after all--but because I feel like I need to. I'm in the upper ten percentile of my class and everyone expects me to go to like Harvard Medical School or something even though I'm not that smart, not that interested, and it's just undergrad studies.

I don't know what I want though. I want to be friends with Number 3 and hear him say my name without a question mark at the end to make sure he's saying it right. I want to make my parents happy. I want to be a good friend. I want to win SHINee's CD. I want to escape. I want to listen to music I don't understand. I want to write fanfiction that I can actually finish even if no one reads it. I want to sleep like I'm dead. Maybe I even want to be dead just to experience that (and to get out of exams). 

But I don't know what I want beyond that. :\

It's 2:10 AM in the fuckin' morning. I can't sleep, I can't focus, I can't study. I can't rest and I can't be at peace with myself.

Why am I never at peace with myself? I'm a teenager and I know that happens, but does it always have to feel so intense?
I've read so much, I know how it's supposed to go, but why can't I just accept it?

Why is it that when I look back at myself, I can never find someone I'm happy with? No dreams, no aspirations, no goals--I've accepted that I'm like that because I just can never motivate anything other than my own pride and greed.

I need to get back to studying, but I needed to let this all out. It's been so long since I've felt so dissatistified with myself and I really need to vent or else I may serious end up beating someone up at school from all of the tension. I know it's late/early, so I'm probably not as coherent as I'd like to be, and I'm probably writing things I'd otherwise never say but I really think this is good for me in a way. Right now, anyway.

Dying. I feel like a zombie, gosh.
I want school to just end so I can kick back, put on my earphones, turn up the kpop, and sleep like I'm dead for like a week.

This week was very busy, so that's why I couldn't get on. XD; Sorry for all of the late replies!! D:

Well, first thing first--I had my 2-day IB World Geography exam on Tuesday and Wednesday. I got to skip school, but I had to work at the IB senior banquet right after on Tuesday and serve drinks and clean tables for 4 hours for people who I don't really know or care about (although, one kid in the class wrote a song for his class and it was beautiful and tear-jerking and it goes like "I don't know when I'll see you again/See your face, smiling/I don't know, I don't know~" and I almost cried because I don't care about these seniors but that song really touched me and god, someone a year older than me wrote that!?) and on Wednesday, I had to bullshit my World Literature Paper 1 about Madame Bovary and Chronicle of a Death Foretold.  And then on Thursday, I had a chem lab write up to finish.

Oh. I got my SGA delegation to pick my flower as our class flower! YAY. <3.

Also, big thing. I was made one of the heads of our National Honor Society's "Clean and Green" committee, which is basically when kids come to school to help clean up the place and make it pretty. One of my ideas was that starting with our class, we plant the graduating class's flower each year on the campus since they're usually picked before October and we can order them if necessary.

The thing is that, graduating classes used to buy bricks with their year inscribed on them and put them around the big tree in the school's front yard, but no one really does that anymore.

I want to start a new tradition, so that our school can be prettier AND we as classes can leave traces of ourselves after we've graduated. The idea is that eventually, one section of the school will have all of the class flowers for multiple years and people can just look at it and think that it's our school's past, growing up and living on. If winter doesn't kill the flowers. XD

I know it's Florida, but it gets hella cold down here too.




And I got to see Number 3 on Monday, Thursday, and today. :3

We say "Hi" whenever we see each other, and I've been trying to work up the nerve to ask him his name properly so that I can get closer. >.<;

On Monday, I just couldn't do it because one of my friends was with me. XD

Tuesday and Wednesday, I got to skip school, so obviously I didn't see him. XD;

Yesterday--Thursday--I was alone and I was about to ask! But then I lost my nerve and just waved feebly. XDDDDDD *weak*

And then today, I decided I was going to do it no matter what! (>o<)/ So when I saw him, I started slowing down and I reached out my arm and instead of going "Hi!! ^o^" I went "Heeey~~?" and was about to ask when he interrupted me and asked me my name first.

*INTERNAL ORGAN IMPLODES*

"♫ The way we connect~ ♪
♪ (Hey! Hey!) I like it~ ♫
♫ Better than the taste of candy~ ♪
♪ I like the sensation of telepathy we have~ ♫ "

XD Oh. And I found out, I got his name wrong. :3 I'm happy and sad at the same time, because Xuanlee is such a pretty name and Thanh (his real name, I think) is rather average for a Vietnamese name, but at least I know his real name now. :3

(But that makes me wonder who Xuanlee is now XDDDD)

Anyway, despite him asking first, I got his name out of him first before I gave him my name. >.<~<3. Hearing him say my name, actually hearing him say more than just "Hi~" ajfiajfejjf jNF GOOD DAY. IT'S BEEN A VERY GOOD DAY INDEED.




And I turned in the round 2 questions early. On Wednesday actually, I think. :3 I'm pretty happy with my work, but I'm nervous too because they still haven't posted up the rankings yet. XD

Oh. Monday and Thursday, I did tie-dying in chemistry. :3 I'm happy with my shirts, but my index finger got dyed green. XD Gosh, it's fading now, but my fingernail is still green.